So it seems like today is bitch day among many of my blogging friends.  Allow me to join the party, however briefly.  I could use a good bit of catharsis.

Basically, I’m feeling restless and lonely.  I’m excited to have found numerous nearby activities that I would be interested in: meditation classes, yoga, some belly dance, art classes, sustainability lectures, drum circles…  But the same old things get in the way of my participating: distance, sharing a car, my husband’s work schedule, and concerns about the cost and impact of driving so much.  We live roughly 30 minutes from everything except for my place of employment.  When we moved here, my job was the only thing vaguely familiar to us and so we focused on the village it was located in.  The nearest city is 30 minutes away.  A lot of what we like to do is there, not to mention, my husband works there.  Needless to say, the car we share already does a lot of work.  It is such a pain trying to plan anything on a day he is working because it would either require multiple 30-minute drives or me staying out for hours and hours and hours.  Or the usual which is me staying home even when I wish I could go to some function.  Either way isn’t fair to myself, the environment, our wallets, or our free time.  It’s really frustrating.  The hope is I’ll be able to get a second car in the fall.  It won’t really minimize my guilt over the environmental impact*, but at least it will give me some mobility when he’s working…  The North Country really needs a makeover to make transportation more eco-friendly…

We would like to move closer to the city so that we’re in-between my place of employment and his.  We probably should have seriously considered it earlier in the year, but we didn’t because we moved a lot last year and we’re tired.  Not to mention, we’re not financially prepared to move at the moment.  It would have been a big pain in the butt, so we renewed our lease for another year and will just have to deal with it.  Or get used to it…  The native-borns in Northern NY seem used to driving long distances to get anywhere.  I’m more used to it now, but it’s still a pain in the behind.

The transportation issues impact my other dilemma: I’m really lonely.  I’m lucky to be married to my best friend, but besides that I feel like I have no social life.  Our work schedules hardly ever match so I spend a lot of time by myself just hanging around the house in my pjs.  Really glamorous, I know.  We do go out together, but there’s only so much he wants to do.  He gets tired after a few hours and wants to go home.  I would be fine staying out half a day in the city just to have something to do.  I feel like I’m missing out on so much.  It would be nice to have a girlfriend up here to talk to and hang out with.  Weretoad made a good friend up here and he spends a lot of time playing games with him online.  I’ve not really connected to any of my coworkers and, frankly, it’s hard for me to feel comfortable about trying.  I get along with them and can make small talk, but I avoid deep issues that really interest me.  Because my religion is so important to me and such a huge part of my life, it’s really hard to be fully myself with people.  I get uncomfortable when people talk about popular Christian holidays.  I always feel like such an ass when I twist the truth just to avoid an awkward conversation with a coworker.  I loved hanging out with my pagan girlfriends Imagickat and Parallax back in Utica.  I was able to be myself and feel genuinely understood on multiple levels, even when we had different sets of Gods or cultural inspirations.  And it’s not that I would only be able to feel comfortable with a Pagan; it’s just really difficult to be the complete me around coworkers who may or may not make my life difficult thereafter.

I’m looking for friendship in the North Country but it’s so hard to find.  When I have more regular paychecks again and a second car, I’m hoping to attend the workshops and classes I’ve been learning about.  Maybe I’ll make a friend.  I’ve also thought about starting a Pagan Meetup but they cost money – something that’s a bit tight currently.  I suppose I have to make some effort, though…

Alright.  Back to lounging in my pjs intermittent by cleaning.

*I do plan to walk and eventually bike more to work.

( For My LJ Friends: http://adfcatprints.blogspot.com/ )

Published by M. A. Phillips

An author and Druid living in Northern NY.

3 thoughts on “Lonely

  1. I'm sorry you are so lonely up there…I have to say I certainly miss you. It seems like we were finally getting close, then you had to move. I totally understand why, a job is important. I'm always here to talk we can even set up a day to chat online with web cam. Cherie would also love talking on web cam as well. I know it isn't a fix with a friend up there but it's something. I feel the same sometimes, with all of my close friends mostly die hard Christians, who don't believe in living together before marriage its hard to connect with them all the time. Others live too far away and others have changed. It is hard to make friends at our age though. I understand completely. Trevor is my best friend as well but I understand it is nice to have a girlfriend to do things with to. I have a few but I still miss you! Love you dear!

  2. I miss you too. I'm glad that we have a better relationship now. ๐Ÿ™‚ I'm looking forward to our webcam chat tomorrow. I would love to chat with Cherie sometime! She's such a sweetie. Well if your Christian friends have a hard time with your relationship, that's just their lost. They're probably secretly jealous that they're not getting any. Ha! ๐Ÿ˜›

  3. BAHAHAAH too funny I don't know what there deal is. Oh well. I enjoyed our like to chat some time too. Miss and love you!

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